When I say, “Don’t worry what people think of you”, this applies to almost all of you. It does not apply if you are a psychopath, but I’ll go ahead and assume you’re not. The overwhelming majority of people care what others think of them and that’s a good thing, but if you care too much, then keep reading, this one’s for you. Perhaps you worry what your teachers and tutors think of you, probably how your friends and peers view you, and possibly even, at times, your parents. If this is you, the message is clear Don’t worry what other people think of you, or at least worry much less what other people think of you.
Don’t get me wrong, what you’re like as a person is very important and worth your time and effort. But it is much better to worry (ok, not worry, perhaps consider), what you think of yourself. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of person are you? These are the questions to spend your time and effort on, rather than thinking about “What kind of person does Blake think I am?” Or “Does Emma think I’m fun to hang out with?”
Those who know you really well will know who you are, they they will see all of your traits and skills, assuming they are interested in doing so. It may take time for people to get to know the real you and that’s ok, because once they do they will benefit from what you have to offer. Some people will not get to know you really well and will not understand who you really are or what you are like. Sometimes we meet people on a more superficial level, and they simply aren’t interested in getting to know us, or they may not have had enough time to know us yet. People make assumptions, they may get it wrong and that’s ok. You are not what other people think you are, you are what you know you are. Other people’s opinions of you are too fallible and therefore, not very useful.
Scenario:
Imagine someone who is quiet and thoughtful, someone who prefers peaceful spaces and small groups, let’s call them Cal. Now let’s introduce Jessie. Jessie is a fun-loving person who likes to chat and laugh, she prefers high energy spaces and large groups. Now Cal and Jessie might get on really well once they get to know each other, but it’s likely that each could misunderstand the other initially. Cal might think Jessie is loud and abrasive for example. Jessie might think Cal is stand-offish or rude. Everyone has a tendency to think about others in relation to themselves. Rather than thinking clearly about what another person is like as an individual, we tend to think about what they are like in relation to us, how they make us feel. Cal may think Jessie is a thoughtless, selfish person, if she is changing the environment into one they enjoy less. Actually Jessie is a very generous person who is good at compromising, she just doesn’t know Cal and doesn’t know she has made them uncomfortable. Jessie may think Cal is rude and stand-offish because they aren’t joining in, they also seem annoyed and put out, perhaps they are quite entitled she might wonder. Neither has an accurate view on the other, they are both simply understanding what they see in a particular setting that reflects much more accurately how they feel than anything about the other person and what they are actually like. Given some time, if Jessie and Cal get to know each other a little better, they may come to understand what the other is really like, but for now they have a false impression.
This scenario demonstrates how other people are inaccurate in their judgements of us. They often miss what’s there because they are focusing on themselves and how they feel. The best judge of who we are is us. This is why we should all worry less what other people think of us and focus more on what we think of ourselves. Virginia Woolf understood the trap of worrying what other people think when she wrote “The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.”
How to worry less what others think of us
| 3 Steps to Worry Less What Others Think of Us |
|---|
| Step 1 | Decide what you are actually like |
| Step 2 | Turn down the dial on others’ opinions |
| Step 3 | Increase the traits and skills you want |
Step 1 | Decide What You Are Like
What you are like as a person? Hint: you know this already. Start by making a list of the traits and skills that you have. What are you like as a person? Are you a kind person, for example. Are you generous or Loyal? Are you someone who brings the energy? Are you an intelligent person, who shares sage ideas? Or are you someone that people confide in? Are you someone who makes people laugh or someone who always knows what to say? You can write your list free-form by thinking about the things you enjoy, the relationships you have and the goals you set for yourself. If you need a little help, you can take the quiz below. If you are really stuck, ask a close friend or family member for three things and go from there.
Step 2 | Turn Down the Dial on Others’ Opinions
Now that you have your list, you know what you are like as a person. This is how you show up in the world and what you have to offer other people. You can now turn down the dial on other people’s opinions, they aren’t accurate or helpful. People make swift judgements about others and are often wrong. It takes time to get to know someone and to discover what they are truly like. If someone hasn’t gotten to know the real you yet, or isn’t willing to try, that’s ok, their impression of you will be wrong. You can ignore their opinion because you are the one who has the most accurate information. You can’t control what other people think of you, all you can do is keep showing up, be yourself, and if they are willing to get to know you then they will.
Step 3 | Increase the Traits and Skills You Want
Now the fun bit; you can strive to increase the traits and skills that you prioritise. You now know what you are like, you know that other people are often wrong in their impression of you and that there’s nothing you can or should do about that. You can focus your efforts on becoming a better version of who you are. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be, and what traits and skills you would like to have or to increase. Do you want to be fun to hang out with, interesting to talk to, how about kind, or funny? What’s important to you? This is where to focus your energy, on what you want, not on what’s expected of you or what you think others think of you.
